


But You Want To Drown

by valiantprincex



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, WARNINGS FOR: drug abuse | drug overdose | attempted suicide | drug addiction | alcohol, stay safe pls
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3107702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valiantprincex/pseuds/valiantprincex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah and Beth and angst angst ansgt</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> prompted in parts by tumblr user [rachelpuncan ](http://rachelpuncan.tumblr.com/) for the [punkcop revival](https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/punkcop-revival)
> 
> I'll be posting it in sections but you can find more  
> [ on my tumblr](http://valiantprincess.tumblr.com/tagged/addict-au%22)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: sarah addresses beth's drug addiction

"Not like you do any better!" Beth’s voice cuts like rock on steel, "Not like you have  _any_  right—”

"God dammit Beth," Sarah yells back, "I’m tryin’ to help you, yeah? Stop bein’ so bloody stubborn and—"

 ”Shut up, just,  _shut up_  Sarah,” Beth rounds on her like a cornered animal, all sharp teeth and wide eyes, “I’m the one protecting us, you have no right to—”

"No  _right_? Beth I’m tryin’ to  _help_  you, not start a war,” Sarah runs her hands through her hair, tempted to curl her fingers and rip—

"Get out," Beth says, voice suddenly calm, too calm, like a sea before a storm. "You can’t tell me what’s right or wrong, you _left your daughter,”_ her voice rises in panicked crescendo, “you left your daughter, you ran away, you  _ran_  and yet here I am, protecting  _you_ , protecting  _everyone_  and I—” 

"You’re loosing it," Sarah interrupts, bluntly. "Beth, you’re loosing it. Again." She doesn’t move, doesn’t even look to the door. Sarah trains her eyes on Beth who stands shaking, who stands proud and brave and  _shaking,_ hands clawed into fists that stand by her side like sentinels. She says it again, quietly, slowly, forming each sound with careful grace before expelling it: each word a weapon. “You’re loosing it again, Beth. Please let me help you. Please.”

Beth seems to wilt, collapsing into herself as she sinks to the ground; the tears start and like a vast betrayal she gulps, breathes, breaks. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: adding on to addiction beth/sarah, beth's first relapse after rehab

Sarah enters the flat to find Beth laughing. The music settles onto her ears and she sets her keys down cautiously, knocking on the door frame. “Beth?”

Beth turns with a wild grin that Sarah hasn’t seen in weeks, months, laughter bubbling from her chest like water from a well. “Sarah,” she gasps, smiles, doesn’t stop smiling — reckless. Sarah pushes down the twinge in her gut and takes Beth’s hand, spinning with her to the beat of the music. 

Finally(finally) they topple onto the couch together, Beth pushing Sarah back and leaning into her. Sarah closes her eyes, kisses back, and Beth’s breath tastes like alcohol. She curls her arms around Beth’s waist, stealing this one moment of paradise before breaking away.

Beth looks away her hands turning to fists on Sarah’s shoulders. Sarah opens her mouth, stops, tries again. 

"Why," and her voice breaks. "Why, Beth, it’s been so long you were doing better, yeah? It was going good you were—"

"Shut up," and the veil is ripped away leaving Beth cold and distant, again, her eyes loosing their light like snuffed candles. Beth bites her lip, tries to stand. Sarah’s arms tighten on her, teeth gritting and stumbling on her next words.

"What else did you take, Beth?" Sarah shakes her head, one hand already reaching for the phone. 

"Nothing," Beth hisses, but her fingers are shaking, trembling like broken things and Sarah curses herself for accepting the delusion. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: i can't think of a specific but more on the addiction beth?

Sarah folds herself over Beth’s sleeping form; she runs her hands slowly though Beth’s hair, traces the line of her neck, wonders at the marvel of her. The marvel of Beth.

Sarah treasures these moments like sparks from a fire, these precious nighttime hours where Beth is just Beth: pills forgotten, traded for the haze of sleep.

Her hand slips over Beth’s shoulder down to her wrist and she closes her eyes, feeling the beat, beat, beat; the thrum of life. She counts it, her thumb pressed gently against Beth’s pulse point, counts one-two-three-four-start-again.

Beth wakes, as she always does — she presses her body tightly into Sarah as her hands clench clawlike around her own arms, the pills calling like some kind of holy summons. She mumbles unintelligible phrases that weave seamless into the rhythm of Sarah’s breathing, twists as the hunger rears it’s head within her.

Sarah says nothing, words are reserved for daylight as she wraps her arms around Beth’s shoulders, pretends she can’t feel the war raging under her fingers.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: beth hits rock bottom and tells sarah she wants/needs to go back to rehab.

Her mind churns, turning in on itself: just one, just this once, you need to crack this case you need to get through the week-day-hour, her hands gripping the bottles like lifelines.

Beth curls her hand around the pills, shoving them roughly under her bed, in her purse; she hides them between couch cushions and finally — when Sarah finds them again( _again_ ) throws a  _fit_ , throws them  _out —_ she stows them in her desk at work.

She sits on the bathroom floor as Sarah’s yells echo in her mind — _I can help you let me help you, you need help,_ Beth _please_  — her hands twist the bottle cap off with practiced ferocity and she downs them, all, she downs them all and chokes. She forces them down her throat, washing them down with a gulp of alcohol that burns, a sob buried under pills and pills and pills. 

She freezes as the door opens, feet click-clacking across the tile floor. The stall door opens next to her, closes — Beth bites her lip, silent, an earthquake rolling within her — opens again, the sink tap turning-flowing water splashing on tile click clack, leaving. 

She lurches forward, her vision blurring, spinning. Beth reaches out a hand to wedge against the side of the stall, her body beginning to twitch uncontrollably. Panic begins to slide into her brain —  _too much, you took too much what are you doing, Beth what are you_ doing _you’re supposed to be working, Beth, how are you helping them now howareyou_ protecting _them now Beth, nowbethnowbeth, what would sarah say-ifshe-saw-you-now, Beth, what would—_

her hands can’t even hold the phone right and it takes her one, two, three tries to punch in Sarah’s number and push send; Beth prays to a god she didn’t think she believed in that Sarah is awake, that Sarah could come, that Sarah _hadn’tgivenup-on-her-yet._

She doesn’t notice when Sarah picks up, yells in her ear — her hands slips and the phone falls, Beth with it, falling, sinking,  _Sarah wound’t come would she no, Beth you Chased her away you chased her away, She threw you a lifeline-and you hung yourself with it you—_

_~_

Sarah forces her way through the police station, screaming obscenities at anyone who stands in her way. The police chief thrusts a hand up to stop her and she barrels past, hands like claws, weapons. 

“ _Where is Beth_?” she yells, her throat torn with the sound, “Where the hell is Beth?”

Someone points toward the bathrooms and Sarah sprints, screams at the chief to call a hospital. Something coils in her chest, something akin to fear but much more like anger as she shoves the stall doors open, slamming to he knees by Beth’s slumped form. 

"No," she mutters as she grabs Beth’s wrists, searches for a pulse. "No, c’mon Beth, Beth,"’ she feels a heartbeat, one-two-three-four-start-again and pulls Beth into her lap, cradling her broken form.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: Beth wakes up at the hospital and Sarah isn't at her side

The first thing Beth feels is pain. Her head throbs and she groans, whimpers. She has hazy memories of flashing lights, arms holding her, and vomiting; over and over and over again. She tries to sit up, body burning like the wreckage of a fire. 

"Shhhh," a voice says, firm hands pushing her back down. Beth doesn’t have the energy or will to resist so she lays back, waiting for the ceiling to come into focus. "Elizabeth?" the voice asks, and Beth doesn’t turn, doesn’t move, her stomach boiling again. "Elizabeth Childs?

She tastes bile on her tongue and pushes the feeling down, managing a small nod. Sharp lines trace the ceiling and she follows them, eventually turning her head to the voice. “Wh-where?” she starts, coughs.

The voice — a woman — rests a hand on her shoulder. “You’re in a hospital, Elizabeth. You overdosed. You you remember that?”

Beth nods, nausea rising in her throat. “Y-yeah.” She gulps, trains her eyes onto a light on the ceiling. “Where,” she stops, “how did I get here?”

"You’re friend brought you, Sarah. Sarah Manning. Do you remember her finding you?"

Beth shakes her head, watching stars skip and dance across her vision. Her chest twinges with something like hope but she pushes it down and asks, preparing for the worst. “Where is she? Sarah?”

"I don’t know, she left after dropping you off." The woman’s voice is gentle but Beth curses, slamming her fists down onto the bed. 

"D-dammit, dammit, fuck, I should have listened to her, I should have—” she stares at the woman hopelessly. “She offered to h-help me, so many times she said 'I'll help you Beth, please' and I still—” 

The woman rests a hand on Beth’s shoulder and Beth realizes that she’s curled into herself, her arms wrapped around her own shoulders in a tight embrace. Like suffocating. She slowly eases onto her back, letting the woman pull a thin cotton sheet over her shaking body. 

"If she comes back, I’ll let you know, okay?" She waits for Beth to nod before standing, "You should rest, your body just pulled itself though hell, be proud of it. And if you need anything, just call, okay? We’re here to help you, Elizabeth.”

Beth pulls the covers tight around herself and rolls over, resting her head on her arm and trying to breathe. 

~

She wakes to silence. Beth sits up slowly, muscles cramping. She brings her hands to her hair, running her fingers through it roughly. Tearing. The cloth separator is ripped open and she jumps, frightened, and turns, hope rising in her throat, the name already formed on her tongue. 

She freezes as a man pushes his way through, fumbling with the collar of his white coat and holding a clipboard between pale hands. 

Beth curses herself silently for ever thinking that Sarah would come back to her. Not after all she’d done.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: where is sarah?

Sarah slams her fist into the side of the hospital, feeling her bones crack, blood welling like a spring. She recoils, reels away, fighting to urge to punch again. 

Beth.  _Beth did it again,_ again _, she keeps doing it goddammit Beth;_ Sarah shakes herself cradling her bloodied knuckles close to her chest. She stares at the bright white lights of the hospital and curses, feeling herself crack, a breaking. Sarah brings her hands up to fist in her hair, biting her lip as pain courses through her arm. 

Memories flash through her mind:  _sleepless nights and longer days, breaking her fist on-the-bathroom-door sitting-in hospital waiting room_ s; _throwing pills into the trash wrapping her arms-around shaking shoulders._

Over and over and over again. Over and over and—

Sarah stops, wants to shove her head against the ball until it bleeds. Because Beth needs her,  _yeah, needed her needs her and_ — and Sarah doesn’t know if she can take it anymore.  

Her fingers slide into her jacket pocket, closes around the note; she hasn’t told Beth about it, about  _this,_  about — Kira.

_I wish you would come back mummy._

Sarah had called Mrs. S three days after receiving the letter, casting away every scrap of dignity she had begging for reunion.

And Mrs. S had said yes. Yes. Mrs. S had said yes and Sarah needs this, so bad _she needs it it’s been years oh god,_ but Beth needs her too and Sarah wants to tear herself apart. 

Mrs. S’ voice echoes through her mind and Sarah wants to scream, she can’t take it anymore —  _this is your last chance your_ last _chance your lash_ chance _you don’t get anymore you’ve hurt her enough hurt her last chance this is your._

Before Sarah knows it she’s standing outside a 24 hour convenience store, a bottle raised to her lips and tears streaming down her face. 

Goddammit. Kira was waiting for her, tomorrow, if she didn’t get there tomorrow then she would be: gone, forever. And Beth, Beth would never forgive her for leaving _never_  forgive her for _leaving she would_. Never.

Well.

Sarah wouldn’t forgive herself either, anyways. 

She was dammed either way.

**Author's Note:**

> cold as ice again  
> you won't come around  
> i can be a friend  
> but you want to drown
> 
> we'll catch a glimpse of light  
> when the stars are out tonight  
> we can make it there, we can make it all alright  
> \- _[Water](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uyM2Q8aGp0)_


End file.
